Children ask for whatever they want AND need. Children will beg for candy before bedtime (“I WANT THE LOLLY!”) with the same fervor as when they seek out attention (“Mommy, LOOK!”). Teaching children the difference between needs and wants is complex. When a child wants something and they haven’t yet learned the difference between needing and wanting, wanting may feel like a need. How do we break it down so children can understand the difference?

1. List Needs -that we can’t live without. Ie: tangible items such as clothing and food and emotional care such as love.
2. Be Extreme in Curiosity– “Let’s say you never ever got this thing you want, would you survive the day?”
3. Describe Scenarios– and point out what would be a need and what would be a want. (Perhaps start with an extreme Sahara Dessert scenario.)
4. Clarify – needs will be met, wants will be considered.

Gentle Aspect – Offering children space to express all they desire with clarifying concepts about what is needed vs. what is wanted.

When children use words like “always” or “everyone,” or “never” and “nobody,” that’s a telltale sign that they are in a rigid pattern of thinking. Black and white, if you will. For example, “Everyone gets to read what they want, but I don’t!” How can we best react in those moments to move children from rigidity towards flexibility without compromising expectations, or “giving in”?

1. Approach the comments as though they are conversational not confrontational.- Even though the tone of the child may be upset, even accusatory, view it as a conversation starter and respond with number 2.
2. Show up with curiosity. – “How often do you feel this way? Who do you think has all these books? Which book do you want?”
3. Once the child is engaging with curiosity, bring evidence of reality.- Open children’s brains/eyes to the reality so they can change their minds from a rigid stance to a more flexible one. Example, “look around the room- does everyone really have the book they want?”

Lastly: Reframe– “Sometimes you can’t have what you want and sometimes you can, let’s talk about when you can…”

GENTLE ASPECT: Allowing children to ask for what they want, with the tools available to them.

When children show up with big feelings, we have to make sure that it does not interfere with the flow of their day. This can go in both directions. If children are super excited, they may be super distracted. If a children are very sad, they may be very unmotivated. How can we help children with big feelings to show up for the expectations set out for them? When children experience big feelings, it can overwhelm them, understandably so! That doesn’t mean they are excused from what they need to do. They may need a little hand holding to get there.  Communication is one of your biggest allies (amongst staying calm and empathetic) to move children towards action.

Scenario:

Child refuses to go to classroom and runs to door to go to exciting activity:

1. Observe and label- “You are so excited for the bouncy house?”

Child gets frustrated and overwhelmed by his want

2. Remind – ” As soon as you hang up your coat and backpack we will check the schedule for when it is time to go.”

Child continues to get flooded with disappointment

3. Validate- “It’s ok to feel sad that you can’t go right now, I know it may not feel good, and it’s ok.”

This a great place to start for behavior modification. With presence and conversation, children feel less overwhelmed by their feelings.

Gentle Aspect: As children process big feelings, adults stay close-by offering compassion, and guidance, until the feeling has passed. Children are not left alone.

Children can be defiant and not do what is asked of them. They can dig their heels in and refuse, for all sorts of reasons. As caregivers we cajole, incentivise and possibly mention consequences; all in the spirit of directing children to good choices. Sometimes none of that works and a children’s heels are dug in for the long haul. How do we get them to let go? This is a pivotal teaching moment. We, as the caregivers need to let go FIRST. We need to readjust the expectation. By doing so, we teach children how to redirect themselves and let go as well. This one’s hard because it may feel like the child “got away with something.” In these instances, I say, “Cut your losses for the greater good.” There’s some loss in the spirit of ultimate gain. Maybe your child at first refused to follow the schedule but then when you offered to move the schedule around so a more likeable activity was closer to the front of the line, the child was able to display flexibility and undig those heels.

Gentle Aspect: Instead of a power struggle to the bitter end, we teach children it’s not about whose in charge it’s about flexibility and moving forward.